What the heck are boundaries, anyway?

By Mary Garvens, LPC

In the wake of the Jonah Hill scandal, there has been renewed discussion related to boundaries. Many have been left scratching their head wondering what this latest buzzword means. Those unfamiliar with the therapeutic space might envision fault lines, barriers, or the lines of any sport field. What the heck are boundaries, anyway?

Licensed therapist and author, Nedra Glover Tawwab, describes boundaries as “something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships”. Boundaries can also be thought of as an invisible line that helps to define what behaviors are acceptable for both ourselves and others with whom we maintain relationships with.

Exploring this idea further, boundaries occur on a spectrum, ranging from rigid to porous. Rigid boundaries are like strong, stone walls covered in barbed wire; they allow us to feel safe and protected while keeping others at a distance. Porous boundaries are like a fence with many holes, easily breached and weak under pressure. Healthy boundaries fall somewhere in between this spectrum and allow us to be fully present within our relationships while still allowing us to honor our needs.

The purpose of boundaries are to build healthier, safer, and more comfortable relationships with both ourselves and others. When our boundaries are rigid it becomes harder to maintain safe and comfortable relationships as we tend toward distrust of others. We behave in ways that signal to others that we are guarded, uninterested in resolving conflict, and resistant to connect. Aggressive communication of rigid boundaries can result in others feeling dismissed, disrespected, and pushed away, ultimately leading to a breakdown in the relationship.

It can also be difficult to maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships when our boundaries are porous. This is because we dismiss, invalidate, or compartmentalize our own wants and needs in favor of others. When we do not set healthy boundaries and limits, this can result in anger and resentment.

So, where do I need boundaries?

Our lives are full and diverse, meaning there are infinite possibilities as to what we are setting boundaries around. Typically, the majority of boundaries fall into six key areas including time, materials, physical, emotional, intellectual, and sexual boundaries. It is essential to our health and wellbeing to establish boundaries within these areas, though it may not be entirely obvious how we do so.

Time Boundaries

When we set boundaries around our time, we are recognizing that our time is valuable and worthy of prioritizing. It is especially important to set and follow through with boundaries around time when we are at home, work, school, or socializing. In setting time boundaries, we are setting aside enough resources to prevent ourselves from overcommitting and potentially becoming burnt out.

Some examples of what healthy boundaries around time might sound like include:

-     “I can’t stay out past 10 o’clock, I need to wake up early in the morning”

-     “I have already committed to something else at that time. Would X work instead?”

-     “I can only talk for 20 minutes”

Material Boundaries

We also establish boundaries around material items, which include our homes, cars, furniture, and other possessions. Setting boundaries around materials means outlining how we expect our items to be treated should we share them with others. We can prevent negative emotions, such as resentment, by establishing healthy boundaries around these items.

Examples of material boundaries include:

- “I can’t let you use my car, but I am willing to give you a ride.”

-     “Please take your shoes off in my house.”

-     “You can borrow my iPad until Tuesday afternoon.”

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries involve our comfort with touch, the need for personal space, as well as our physiological needs including rest, food, and water. Often, our personal boundaries are violated by others when they pat us on the back, give us a hug without asking, or in any number of other ways. It is important to remember that we are allowed to advocate for our needs and verbalize our boundaries in this area.

You might verbalize physical boundaries in the following ways:

-     “I am thirsty, so I need to have some water.”

-     “I would prefer a handshake rather than a hug.”

-     “Please give me some space.”

Emotional Boundaries

Many people struggle to respect and honor their feelings and energy, however, emotional boundaries are critical to our well being. When we are able to set emotional boundaries, we are recognizing the limit to how much emotional energy we are able to give and receive. We are also responsible for respecting the emotional boundaries of others, meaning we both validate the feelings of others and respect their ability to take on our emotional information.

Here are some examples of emotional boundaries:

-     “Do you have space to listen to be vent about something?”

-     “That sounds really hard. I want to be fully present for you, do you think we can reconnect later today?”

-     “When I talked about how I was feeling and you changed the subject, I felt dismissed. I need you to acknowledge what I am sharing with you.”

Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries are another important area to consider when setting and following through with boundaries. These boundaries refer to our thoughts, curiosity, and our ideas. Intellectual boundaries can be violated when others shut us down, belittle us, or outright dismiss us. We are not required to be accepting of all thoughts and opinions, in fact it is important to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy discourse. If, for example, another person shares an opinion or idea that is innately harmful- like sexism, xenophobia, racist rhetoric, etc.- you are allowed to set a boundary with that person.

Intellectual boundaries sound something like the following:

-     “I don’t think this is something we agree on, let’s agree to talk about something else.”

-     “Please do not dismiss my ideas.”

-     “I respect your viewpoint, I ask that you also respect mine.”

Sexual Boundaries

Finally, we will also set sexual boundaries. This includes agreement, consent, mutual respect, understanding of preferences and desires, as well as privacy.

You might set sexual boundaries in the following ways:

-     Obtaining enthusiastic consent

-     Engaging your partner in a discussion of what pleases you

-     Communicating about your preferred method of contraceptive

Okay, got it. But I’m feeling a little bad about it.

If you have gotten this far, you might be thinking that you’ll hurt someone else’s feelings by setting boundaries. The truth is, you might! However, it is of the utmost importance to respect yourself and others by establishing healthy boundaries. Remember, boundaries are a kindness to yourself and to others. As long as you set them in a respectful way, you are not responsible for the emotional reaction of others to them.

Where can you set a healthy boundary for yourself this week?